A Lil' Red

Dear Red,
I am "interested" in a certain "someone" who will remain "name less". I really want to "sweep" this certain "someone" off of "their feet" for Valentines. But I "don't know" how to "go about it". What can "I" do?
"Unknown"

Dear Air Quoter,
For starters, you've got to stop "that" right now. Next, by "someone" I'm sure you mean me and I like sparkly jewelry. But let's be honest, Valentine's Day is not a holiday to mess around with so unless you're extremely clever (or she's completely smitten) sticking with the cliché is the only way to go. Plan on spending some cash and do your best to not blow "it".
Ring size 6,
Red


Dear Red,
I am writing to you because I am currently eating a frozen pizza that isn't completely thawed, while drinking from a glass that appears to have some type of growth at the bottom. The problem is I can't take care of myself. I really need someone who can help me pick out my clothes, cook my frozen pizza's and wash my towels. I have thought about getting married, but no one seems to be interested in the position. What can I do?
Helpless

Dear Gavin,
I think perhaps you have a literacy problem. You do know they put heating instructions on the back of the box, right? Listen, being helpless is super cute…if you're a puppy. But come on man; get up and wash your glass - that's just not healthy.
What would your mother say?
Red